Sam is not amused, most of the time
by Diswrit
Summary: Five times Alice and Deans sexual antics made Sam uncomfortable, and one time he got off on it. Naughty Crack!fic, first one I've ever done, so let me know what you think. Kind of a companion fic to my other stories, Three Knives and Vinculis Sanguis.
1. Chapter 1

Sam Winchester really was glad that his brother Dean was in a consistent relationship now. He seemed happier, and it was probably healthier than the one night stand things he'd been doing before. But there were times when things could get a bit out of hand between Alice and his brother, and they just seemed to kind of ignore him and do their own... thing. The first time, he could excuse it(kind of) since Dean was drunk, and he didn't think Alice was any more amused by his antics that Sam was.  
"I can get as drunk as I want when we're not working a case," Dean protested from the passenger side. Sam and Alice had gone out to pick him up from the bar.  
"Case isn't over yet," Alice said. Sam was driving, and she was in the back.  
"Why not? We killed the walkers," Dean said. They'd been on an odd case, a pair of bearwalkers that seemed to think that they actually were bears. Except they'd been going into town once a month, and eating a few hearts before heading back into the woods.  
"Yeah, we think they were a mating pair," Sam said.  
"Okay, so?" Dean asked.  
"And there were reports of people being dragged off into the woods," Alice said.  
"Okay, so?!" Dean demanded.  
"So, we think they might have a nest in the woods. With little baby walkers in it," Alice said.  
"Oh. Well you could have just said that straight out," Dean said.  
"You're supposed to be smart enough to figure it out on your own," Alice said.  
"Well I thought you were supposed to be a good enough hunter to take care of some baby walkers," Dean shot back.  
"I am," Alice said calmly.  
"So why did you need to pry me away from my third drink?" Dean asked quizically, his eyebrows raised.  
"So I could teach you how to hunt baby walkers," Alice replied, smiling smugly.  
"Teach me?" he demanded.  
"Teach you," Alice replied.  
"Oh, I see," Dean said, crawling into the backseat with her.  
"Dean, what the hell?" Sam demanded, trying to keep from crashing.  
"Dean, what are-"  
"I need special teaching," Dean said, settling on her lap.  
"Special teaching on how to hunt," Alice said, squirming under him.  
"Finding things, right?" Dean asked.  
"Dean, we're gonna get pulled over," Sam said, keeping his eyes on the road ahead.  
"He's right you know, and we can't- What are you-"  
"I'm finding something," Dean said, ignoring Sam.  
"Sam's right there," Alice whispered harshly.  
"Yeah, Sam's right here," Sam said, holding a hand up to indicate his presence.  
"Eyes on the road Sammy," Dean said. "We're having a special lesson back here."  
"How about, we have a special lesson later?" Alice said, trying to push him off her again.  
"I want a special lesson now," Dean said.  
"Dean... fuck. I'm getting you for this later," Alice mumbled.  
"Sounds fun," Dean muttered.  
Sam did his best to ignore them, and turned the radio on to cover the sounds coming from the back seat of the car.


	2. Chapter 2

It was two days later, and Sam was beat. It had turned out there was actually and a third walker(Probably an aunt or something) gaurding the nest, which made things a bit more complicated. They finally managed to take her out, and raid the nest. Despite his aching limbs and various bruises, Sam couldn't get to sleep, probably because of the celebratory coke he'd had just before he, Alice and Dean had headed back to the motel to crash. It was around midnight, and he still hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, when he heard soft murmuring from the other bed. He cracked his eyes open, to see Alice straddling Dean, whispering something in his ear.  
"Sam's right there," Dean protested softly to whatever she'd said.  
"Then you'd better keep quiet," Alice said playfully. She slid down him, disappearing under the blanket, and Sam's mind raced trying to think of what he should do. Get up? Cough or something to let them know he was awake? Would they even care?  
In the other bed, Dean stifled a low moan with his hand, clamping it over his mouth as his hips bucked up beneath the cover. Sam just froze, having absolutely no idea what he was supposed to be doing. No one ever gave you any advice for what you should do if you were caught in a room with your brother while he was getting a blowjob.  
The minutes dragged on, the deafening silence in the room broken only by the occasional rustle of fabric across fabric, or the muffled moans of pleasure that Dean couldn't hold back. The hand that Dean was keeping over his mouth tightened suddenly, and his back arched, his head pressing back into the pillows as he clenched his eyes shut, the hand that wasn't over his mouth clutching the pillows, and Sam was pretty sure he'd just watched his older brother climax. He relaxed after a few seconds of holding that posture, breathing raggedly. Alice emerged from under the covers to rest her elbows on his chest, grinning down at him lazily.  
"You see? Revenge can be sweet for both parties involved sometimes," she said.  
"Hmmf," Dean replied. Sam realized he had to sneeze, and tried holding his breath, before pressing his face into the pillows and sneezing into them, and then turning over so he was facing away from Alice and his brother, and pulling the covers over him more tightly, hoping they wouldn't think he was awake, and vowing to never drink coke before going to bed ever again.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Sam was relieved to find that Dean had gone out to get a paper and some food by the time that he'd woken up. Alice hopped in the shower after an awkward few minutes of silence between her and Sam, and Sam watched the weather channel for lack of anything better to do. One thing he'd learned from Alice was that the weather channel was your best friend if you were looking for demons to hunt in your general area. Sam had only been watching for a few minutes, before Dean came back with McDonalds and a paper.  
"Where's Alice?" he asked, setting the items down on the table.  
"Shower," Sam said, pointing with the remote control, but not looking away from the TV.  
"Okay. You looking for omens?" Dean asked.  
"Yep," Sam said, still not looking at him, though he realized he sounded kind of stiff.  
"Okay," Dean said after a moment of silence. He sat, pulling a burger out of a bag and unwrapping it. Sam's stomach growled at the smell, so he turned off the TV and joined him at the table not meeting his brothers eyes, even when Dean handed him a burger.  
"The chicken sandwich is for Alice," he explained. Sam just nodded.  
"Chicken sandwich?" Alice asked, emerging from the bathroom fully dressed, but with a towel on her head. "Sounds like someone's learning."  
"Well you busted Sams balls the last time he got you a burger, so the lesson sunk in," Dean said.  
"Hmm." Alice sat down on the other side of Dean from Sam, and pulled her sandwich out of the bag. "Wise men learn from others mistakes," she said.  
"Does that mean I'm wise?" Dean asked.  
"To some degree, maybe," Alice said.  
"To some degree," Dean shook his head before taking a bite out of his burger.  
"Well I know you aren't stupid," Alice said. "You just act stupid sometimes, so I make fun of you for it."  
"So if I stop acting stupid, you'll stop making fun out of me?" Dean asked, sounding amused.  
"Only if you're a good boy," Alice said. Sam frowned as he took a bite out of his burger, uncomfortable with the glint in her eye.  
"And if I'm a bad boy?" Dean asked.  
"Well..." Alice trailed off, and Dean jumped slightly, twitching oddly. Sam risked a peek to the side and down, and saw that Alice had her hand down his pants.  
"Hey, you guys, I'm right here, and I'm eating, and it's gross," Sam protested, scooting a bit away from Dean. Alice pulled her chair away from Deans, both of them looking a bit sheepish as Alice moved across the table from Dean, settling down with her burger while Dean readjusted his belt, clearing his throat.  
"Sorry Sam," Alice said, though she didn't sound too apologetic. Sam didn't reply, just tried to finish his burger, though he didn't have too much of an appetite any more. It wasn't long before he noticed that Alice was leaning back in her chair an awful lot, and Dean was concentrating very hard on his burger. Sam raised his foot experimentally, running into Alices legs, which were stretched all the way across the underside of the table. Sam didn't care to know what was going on by her feet. He stood abruptly, grabbing his drink and fries.  
"You know what, I'll wait for you two in the car," he said quickly, before walking out the door before either Alice or Dean could say anything. Once he was outside and the door was closed, he leaned against it, closing his eyes and praying to anything that would listen that they would just stop already.


	4. Chapter 4

Two completely uneventful weeks passed, and Sam was relieved when Alice and Dean didn't... do anything while he was around. They chased two different demon cases, and both of them turned out to be completely bogus, so he and Dean decided to go out to the bar for a few drinks, and Alice stayed back at the hotel. She was convinced that something fishy was going on in this town, and was doing more research. There had been some five odd deaths, all male, all around 28 years old, and all stone drunk when they were killed. The thing was that even though all of them had no history of any heart problems, or even high blood pressure, they'd all died of heart attacks. Dean thought it was coincidental, and Alice argued that nothing was that coincidental. Sam sided with Dean, and they were signing off on it. They'd told Alice that if she could figure out what was going on before morning, then they'd stay and kill whatever was doing it, or break whatever hex was going on. If not, they'd pack up and head out.  
It actually turned out that the bar was part of a brothel.  
"We can go somewhere else you know," Sam said, settling down at the bar next to Dean, who seemed to have made himself at home.  
"No, this is good," he said. Sam looked around as Dean ordered beers. It was almost overwhelmingly pink, with little hearts hanging from the ceiling.  
"Hey there handsome," a woman greeted Sam.  
"Oh hi," Sam said as the bartender came back with his beer. He took a sip from it.  
"Thanks," Dean said, smiling at the bartender.  
"No problem," she said, flashing him a smile and leaning forward over the bar.  
"So, are just here for that drink, or looking for some company tonight?" the woman who'd come up to Sam asked silkily, leaning against the bar.  
"Uh... just for the drink," Sam replied.  
"Oh well. How about your friend?" she asked, loudly enough that Dean heard her. He looked up from the conversation he'd been having with the bartender.  
"Oh. I'm taken," he said, and the woman seemed to deflate, looking sad. "It's not that you aren't gorgeous, because you are," Dean said hurriedly, obviously not meaning to have offended her. "It's just that-"  
"Don't worry, I get it," the woman said. "Usually I wouldn't even be trying this hard to get business, but I have to get something for the night to keep this job, and if I don't get one of you two, I'm gonna end up with bug eyes over there," she said, nodding to the corner. Both Dean and Sam turned to look, and saw a pale, thin man with greasy looking hair, and truly buggy looking eyes. They turned back to the woman, and Sam almost felt sorry enough for her to sleep with her.  
"I see your point," Dean said.  
"Hey Hailey, you know Joe should be off work by now," the bartender said to the woman, Hailey. "I could give him a call, see if he's in that mood..."  
"I thought you two were a thing now," Hailey said, looking confused.  
"We had a one night stand. He's not bad or anything, just not my type," the bartender said.  
"I'd owe you for the rest of my life if you did that," Hailey said, looking immensely relieved.  
"Awesome. Gimme a minute," the bartender said. She took out her phone, and moved farther back behind the bar.  
"Well, I guess I'll get out of you guys' hair then," Hailey said, flashing them a smile before moving off.  
"Wow. I didn't know you and Alice were... exclusive," Sam said. As far as he knew, Alice had pretty much given him the go ahead to fool around(With the warning that if he brought back a disease to her, she'd kill him five times over, painfully).  
"We aren't. At least, I mean... well we haven't... uhh, I guess nothing's really been said about it," Dean said.  
"Huh," Sam said, taking a sip of his beer.  
"There, I just made someones day a bit brighter," the bartender said, coming back to lean against the bar again close to Dean.  
"That was really nice of you ms..."  
"I'm Theresa," the bartender finished for Sam.  
"Well that was really nice Theresa. I don't know if it's any different for women, but personally, I wouldn't want to do him either," Dean said, nodding in bug eyes direction.  
Theresa laughed. "It's not any different. So, who's the lucky lady? I don't see any wedding ring."  
"I'm not married," Dean said.  
"Girlfriend?" Theresa asked.  
"Sort of," Dean said.  
"She's lucky. Sadly, there aren't enough men left in the world that can walk into a brothel and not fool around on their girls," Theresa said.  
"I suppose," Dean said, taking another sip of his beer.  
"Sam? Dean?" They turned as the door opened, to see Alice walk in. She spotted them, and started over, before stopping, and watching as Theresa straightened. Sam could see Alices eyes narrow, and she walked over the rest of the way, her eyes darting between Dean and Theresa.  
"What are you doing at a brothel?" she asked calmly. Sam got nervous when Alice was calm this way. It was a kind of kind of calm that you could tell was forced, and nothing good was hiding underneath of it.  
"Getting a drink. We're just here for the bar part of it," Sam explained.  
"Hmm. And this was the only bar in town?" Alice asked.  
"No, but we didn't feel like looking for another one," Dean explained shortly. "What are you doing here? Decided to ditch the case and have some fun with us?"  
"No, actually, they found another body," Alice said.  
"Where?" Sam asked.  
"When?" Dean asked.  
"They just found it, and the coroner called me, like I told him too," Alice said.  
"Right. So, same circumstances?" Dean asked.  
"They haven't gone ahead with the autopsy yet, but I suspect so. They say they can tell he was drunk, and 28 years old," Alice said.  
"Let me guess, you want us to ditch the drinks and get back in the suits," Dean said.  
"Yep," Alice said.  
"Okay. Uh, how much do we owe you?" Sam asked Theresa.  
"5 bucks," Theresa said.  
"Including tax?" Dean asked, surprised.  
"No, you get the discount for faithfulness," Theresa said, grinning at him.  
"Awesome," Dean said, returning the smile as he fished some money out of his pocket.  
"Come back sometime," Theresa said as they started for the door.  
"We'll be sure to," Dean called back. Sam shivered in the cold outside, eyeing Alice like he expected her to explode or something.  
"So, what was that?" Alice asked, just as Sam had expected as they reached the Impala.  
"What was what?" Dean asked, getting in the drivers side.  
"Don't play dumb, you were awfully friendly with that whore back there," Alice said angrily.  
"Okay, first off, her name is Theresa, and secondly, I didn't even have time to sleep with her if that's what you've got your undies in a bundle about," Dean said.  
"I can back that up," Sam piped up from the passenger side as Dean started the car.  
"Whatever," Alice said, crossing her arms over her chest.  
"Alice, seriously, what's going on?" Dean asked.  
"Nothing," she said.  
"Are you sure? Because if-"  
"I said nothing," she snapped at him.  
The rest of the time they were in the car, it was silent, and Sam almost preferred having to be in the same room with Alice and Dean fucking each other than this.

**Okay, so not exactly a sexual thing, but it's building up for the next chapter, and Sam was uncomfortable. Also, it was kind of a sexually oriented/related... thing.**


	5. Chapter 5

They waited until the next morning to go to the morgue and check things out, and Dean slept apart from Alice for what Sam thought was the first time since they'd been together. Alice had an entire bed to herself, and Dean and Sam were squished into the other. Dean spent a long time just glaring up at the ceiling like it was the cause of all his problems, and every now and then glancing over at Alice, who was tossing and turning uncomfortably in the other bed. Sam didn't get to sleep until 2:00 in the morning, and Alice woke them all up at 6:00, already dressed in her suit. She woke them up by tossing their suits at them, and snapping something about getting ready. The car ride to the morgue was an extremely uncomfortable experience. Sam tried to fill the silence by turning the radio on, but Alice turned it off, rubbing her head like she had a headache. Sam looked back over the past couple of days, and realized that Alice had been acting a bit cranky for a few days now. He racked his brain trying to think of something he or Dean had done, but nothing came to mind.  
They arrived at the morgue, and Alice met the coroner and let them into the autopsy room.  
"So, when did he kick it?" Alice asked sharply.  
"Uh, estimated time of death is somewhere between 4:00 and 6:00 AM Friday," the coroner, a man named Frink said.  
"So he was just lying around until you found him last night?" Sam asked.  
"Yeah," Frink said.  
"And he died of a heart attack?" Dean asked.  
"No, actually, he died of a blunt force trauma to the skull," Frink said.  
"So no heart attack," Alice said, peeking under the sheet covering the man.  
"Nope," Frink said.  
"So why'd you call us then?" Dean asked.  
"You said to call if there were any more similar victims," Frink said.  
"Yeah, but if he didn't die the same way as the others, then he isn't similar," Sam said.  
"Oh, I thought you were just looking for caucasian males around 28 years of age," Frink said.  
"Well, we meant all that, but we only wanted you to call us if they died the same way as the other victims," Sam clarified.  
"Oh," Frink said, scratching the back of his neck.  
"His cock's bigger than yours," Alice observed.  
Sam, Dean and Frink all turned to look at her.  
"What?" Dean asked.  
"His cock's bigger than yours," she said again bluntly.  
Sam looked at Frink, who looked frozen in place.  
"I don't think so," Dean said, peeking under the sheet. "No, I've got at least an inch on him."  
"Dean, are you really gonna-"  
"Quiet Sammy, this is something that has to be defended," Dean said seriously.  
"You're seven at best, he's at least an eight," Alice said, raising the sheet again.  
"Umm, I really don't think this is appropr-"  
"Butt out," Alice snapped at Frink, who seemed to shrink in on himself. Sam thrust his hands into his pockets, not even sure what he was supposed to think about this.  
"I'm seven and a half, he can't be more than six and a half," Dean argued.  
"Someone get me a measuring tape," Alice demanded, holding her hand out to Frink.  
"Look, I really can't support this kind of-"  
"Shut up and get me one," Alice snapped at him.  
Frink hurried over to a cabinet and handed her one. Both Sam and Frink recoiled, turning to face the other wall out of some sense of respect for the dead guy that was getting his junk measured for use in some kind of twisted revenge.  
"Eight, just like I thought," Alice said triumphantly, straightening and throwing the sheet back over the dead guy.  
"I don't think that-"  
"Okay, look, why don't we get back to the motel and settle this there?" Sam suggested, cutting Dean off.  
"Fine by me," Dean said.  
"Fine," Alice said, glaring at him. She turned, and stomped out of the morgue, and Dean followed her.  
"Do they do stuff like this a lot?" Frink asked Sam.  
"Uh... on occasion," Sam said.  
"If I were you, I'd try to get reassigned," Frink said. They'd told him that they were a special team from the FBI commissioned to look into suspicious deaths.  
"I'm afraid it's not that simple," Sam said, starting out after them. "Thanks for your help," he said before he walked out the door. He caught up with Sam and Dean in the parking lot, jogging the last few feet to the car.  
"Are you on the rag or something?" Dean was asking Alice.  
"I must be, since last time I checked we were on the same cycle," Alice shot back at him.  
They continued to argue, and Sam just ignored them, staring out the window, and not so covertly stuffing his fingers into his ears. He didn't care if he looked like some kind of little kid, he didn't want to hear it.


	6. Chapter 6

"So this case was bogus after all, and you just wasted more of our time on it," Dean said, tossing the jacket to his suit across the room, and undoing the top button of his shirt. Sam plopped down on the bed, determined to ignore them until they wound down.  
"It wasn't a waste of time," Alice shot back at him.  
"How do you not class that as a waste of time?" Dean demanded.  
"I took my time on this case, and that's what you're supposed to do. Of course I'm sure that no one ever taught you how to work properly," Alice said scathingly.  
"Work properly? I've been hunting my whole life, I think I know how to do it right by now," Dean said.  
"Obviously not. Which would confirm my theory that you're just too dumb to learn anything," Alice said.  
"Too dumb to learn anything? That's rich, coming from the woman who was thick enough to trust the same demon who killed her entire family with not starting an apocalypse," Dean said, getting louder.  
"Only because your brother convinced me that she was tame. And he had to learn how to whore around so well from someone," Alice said, raising her voice as well.  
"Hey," Sam protested.  
"Hey, I've never slept with a demon in my life!" Dean yelled.  
"No, but you've slept with just about every other thing out there with a hole to put that limp fucking dick of yours in!" Alice yelled back.  
"Okay, just shut the fuck up!" Sam yelled, standing, unable to take it any more. "Just shut up, both of you!"  
"Stay out of it Sam," Dean said.  
"Get out, we have things to take care of that don't concern you," Alice snapped at him. Sam briefly envisioned her with horns and fire spewing from her mouth, and realized that she almost did have fire spewing out of her mouth.  
"Fine, I'm getting another room," Sam said. He stomped out before anything else could be said, slamming the door shut behind him, and walking off to the motel office. He didn't know why Alice and Deans fighting bothered him so much. How had it even escalated so quickly? And what the hell had started it? Was Alice just in a bad mood? She probably was on the rag, he thought to himself.  
He got another room, but when he went out to find it, he found it was right next door to the one Alice and Dean were in. He briefly considered going back and asking for a different room, before dismissing the thought, and going into his new room. He could still hear Alice and Dean going at each other in the other room, so he switched the TV on, and turned it up until it drowned them out. He sighed, settling down on the bed and rubbing his eyes, realizing how tired he was, not having gotten a whole lot of sleep last night. He fell asleep, his mind running in circles like a dog chasing it's tail, trying to figure out how to fix... whatever Alices problem was.

Sam was woken up by a loud banging sound and moans. At first, he thought it was the TV, but he looked up to see that it had switched itself off sometime while he'd been asleep. He realized that the sounds were coming from the other room. He almost knocked on the wall to get the people on the other side to quiet down, before he realized that Dean and Alice were on the other side of the wall. Wait, if they're busy like that, does that mean they stopped fighting? he wondered.  
"Alice, ohh fuck," he heard Dean moan loudly.  
"Shut up, god damn it," Alice cursed roughly, and he heard a high pitched whine that he assumed was from Dean. The headboard of their bed was banging against the wall, and the sound was obscenely loud on his side of the wall. He sank back against the bed, half relieved that they weren't fighting anymore, and half regretting that he hadn't gone to get a different room. He considered trying to get back to sleep, before he felt something odd... he put a hand down to the front of his pants, realizing he had a pretty good boner happening. He glanced back up at the wall, and heard Alice half moaning and half screaming on the other side. Well fuck, he thought. If he'd thought being witness to Alice and his brother... doing things had been awkward, it held no comparison to being turned on by it. Then again, they were in the other room this time. Alice swore again, and he felt his cock twitch.  
What the hell, he thought, unzipping his jeans and pulling them down a bit. It wasn't like Dean or Alice would ever find out. He let out a low groan of his own when he pulled his manhood out of his underwear, wrapping his hand around it and stroking it lightly. Fuck, he really was hard. He paced himself at the same rate as the banging of the headboard in the other room, not bothering to hold back his moans of pleasure as he stroked himself, quickly and then a bit more slowly, and then speeding up again quickly. He used his free hand to pull his pants and underwear down to his ankles, and spreading his legs, cupping his balls with one hand as he heard his brother moaning something about his own balls. He squeezed them, lightly in contrast with the quick, rough strokes to his dick, and he bit his lip to hold back shouts from the mix of sensations.  
"Fuck, smack 'em!" Dean yelled.  
Sam slapped his balls sharply, hissing at the pain and pleasure that it brought, the two mixing together to make a wonderful sensation that was almost unbearable.  
"Alice! Alice, fuck!"  
Alice yelled something, but Sam didn't hear it, his whole frame tensing as he came, unable to hold back a shout of pure pleasure, still pumping himself hard as thick white strings of cum shot from his tip. He lay still, panting heavily as Dean and Alice also seemed to wind down on the other side of the wall from him. He lay still for a few minutes, basking in post orgasmic bliss, before he sighed, and stood, heading into the bathroom to clean himself up. Somehow, he didn't think he would mind quite as much the next time Dean and Alice decided to have some fun while he was still within earshot.


End file.
